[You Make Me Feel Like] A Natural Woman

"Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for / 'Cause if I make you happy I don't need to do more"

We got hit with the first real snowstorm of the season this weekend -- 20 cm of snow in two days. On Saturday, all three-and-a-half of us bundled up and shoveled the driveway and sidewalk. Now, if any of the members of my family get a case of the lazybones, I am well within my rights to guilt-trip them with: "When Dusty threw out his back during the storm of December '09, I helped him shovel through 15 cm of snow even though I was six months pregnant." Golden Ticket? Hellz yeah.

Blustery winter weather like this always makes me crave soup. So on Saturday night I made my mom's tinola, a hearty chicken soup with sayote and malunggay leaves served over rice. Crunch time at work has eased up a bit these last two weeks and I've been able to prepare more home-cooked meals. Okay, let's be honest: some of those "home-cooked" meals involved canned, dried, frozen, or boxed food, but I still had to open all those packages with my own two hands. The tinola was the first meal I've made in weeks that actually had real vegetables and everything. Diana ate a bowl and a half! It gave me such a feeling of... accomplishment that my husband and child were enjoying a meal I prepared from scratch. Last night, I made curried split-pea soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. And then I made some ginataan for today's breakfast and merienda. Mmmm...

Phu and I were chatting the other night and I said, “It’s sick how domestic I’ve become.” He reminded me how much I love it, and I asked him not to tell anyone. “Everyone knows,” he laughed. “Go read your own blog!” I suppose I haven’t exactly made it a secret how much I love being a mama; what I find surprising is how much I’ve missed being a stay-at-home hausfrau and mama since I went back to work. Maybe it's because work has been so hectic lately, but I have really missed the days when my biggest responsibilities revolved around making sure my kid and husband are fed, clothed, and healthy.

I love my full-time job at BioWare, no question, but I love my full-time job as a mama, too. There are just some days when I feel like I'm not doing either job justice, and lately, I've felt like the mama job has gotten shorter shrift. I actually had a good cry after picking up Diana from daycare last week because I had missed her so much. Maybe the crying part was triggered by the prego hormones, but I definitely felt the guilt. Diana is only awake for 13 hours a day; on the weekdays, she spends about nine of those at daycare. The people at daycare are good folks, but I miss raising my kid full-time. When I first got pregnant with this second wee one, I thought, "Too soon." But now, I think this may have been a blessing in disguise, giving me another year to focus on mamahood.

I'm not sure how I ended up here. For better or worse, about half the women I know have subconsciously [or not] set out to live differently than their mothers, but this isn’t what I had in mind. When my sister and I played Barbies, mine was the globetrotting cultural diplomat with maybe one daughter and hers was the elementary school teacher with six kids. None of the women I look up to as role models in my family have been stay-at-home mamas. My lola raised her four children while running a dress shop, my mom raised the three of us while working as an executive assistant, and my favorite aunt is a jet-setting business executive who has raised one grown son and is now raising a young daughter. Sure, they all had housekeeping help, but they were still in charge of running their households while holding steady, full-time paying jobs. So why do I suddenly want to be June Cleaver?

And why do I feel guilty admitting how much I love being a stay-at-home mama? I keep looking over my shoulder to see if The Woman is going to come busting in here to rip up my feminist membership card. As if all the times I stood up for myself and my sisters are suddenly null and void because I like cooking for my family and cleaning my home. As if I should be less proud of everything that I've accomplished in my career because I like folding laundry and watching cooking shows with my husband. As if I should have bigger goals in life than making sure my family and I are healthy and happy.

Tomorrow is my birthday. So I guess this is me giving myself the gift of freedom from this bullshit guilt, once and for all. I know who I am and what I want. I know what I have chosen to do and be for the rest of my life. I know what I live for. Damn the torpedoes and so-called feminist ideals! Full speed ahead.

"[You Make Me Feel Like] A Natural Woman" by Carole King, made popular by Aretha Franklin

Clash of the Titans

"Sound the horns, prepare for war, begin the storm"

Due to arrive around the same time as my new offspring: a remake of the Clash of the Titans.

OH. SNAP. It's like the classic Clash of the Titans, only more METAL! \m/>_<\m/

I'm thinking I may have to celebrate the birth of my new child with a sushi meal AND some mythological cheese. BRING IT, TITANS.

"Clash of the Titans" by Cypress Hill [Couldn't find a more headbangin' equivalent.]

The Second Time Around

"Love is lovelier, the second time around / Just as wonderful, with both feet on the ground / Who can say what led us to this miracle we've found / There are those who'd bet / Love comes but once - and yet"

Scene from Evermans in Canada, Season 5, Episode 140, "Did it ever!":

It is a typical Wednesday morning in the Everman household and everyone is half-asleep in Cookie and Dusty's bed, including Diana, who had woken up, crying, around 3 AM. It is now four hours later and the alarm will ring in about 20 minutes, but Cookie realizes she can't hold it that long and gets up to pee.

Cookie's period is at least 10 days late. She dutifully follows the instructions on the pregnancy test, which shows a bright purple plus sign before she is even done with her business. Cookie laughs, then finishes up and washes her hands. She walks back to the master bedroom, where Dusty is stirring awake.

Cookie: Guess what?

Dusty: You're pregnant, aren't you?

Cookie: Yup.

Dusty: I knew it. When you had me buy you that test last night, I knew it.

Cookie: Well, we did ask the Universe to decide if and when we should have another kid. And did it ever!

Dusty: Do you know when this might have happened?

Cookie: [thinks a moment] You know, I think it might have been on Father's Day.

Dusty: [smirks] Damn, I'm good.

Cookie climbs back into bed, and Diana stirs a little, rooting for dede. Cookie arranges Diana around her left breast and Dusty turns off the shrieking alarm. The couple talks a bit about what the future holds. They recall how tiny Diana was when she was first born and they both stare wistfully at their daughter for a while. When Diana is finished nursing, she wakes up and flashes her brightest "GOOD MORNING!" grin, prompting the whole family to begin their daily routine. As Dusty is changing Diana's diaper, Cookie prepares the backpack of supplies for daycare.

Cookie: [to Diana] Are you going to be a good big sister?

Diana: [shakes her head "No".]

Cookie and Dusty: HEE!

Dusty: Do you even understand what we're saying?

Diana: [nods her head "Yes."]

Cookie: This is going to be fun.

- End Scene -

This wee Peanut is just shy of 15 weeks today, and due in mid-March of next year. Things are going well so far and we are excited for Diana to have a sibling close to her age. Now if only naps came in cans. We need several cases of the stuff.

"The Second Time Around" most famously by Frank Sinatra