Wednesday, July 11, 2007

The Scotsman

"See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built / I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt"

Dear Ewan McGregor,

Have I told you lately that I love you? No? Well, it's only because you don't know me and I don't know you. Details, details...

Anyway, I've been watching Long Way 'Round this evening and I'm falling more and more in love with you. Whenever you say "the rohd o bohnes" or "derrr(t)y* buggerrr" or "Ah miss me wee gerrls" , my insides just melt into a wee puddle. Seriously, every time you open your mouth, I just think, "This is the best show on television." It's you! Talking! IN A SCOTTISH ACCENT! It's perfect Folding Laundry TV because I can throw clean panties at you. You're welcome.

My obsession with you and your countrymen is becoming scandalous, really. Yesterday, I fell a little bit in love with that saucy bitch Alan Cumming when a friend of Scottish descent sent me this ad for Cumming the Fragrance. "Smohkey. Earrrthy. Sexeh." Awesome! Then this afternoon, I was listening to a health report from Australian radio about that evil baddie fructose --a freakin' health report!-- and within two sentences, I was able to determine that the doctor speaking was a Scotsman. That health report may end up changing my life. I should cut frrruhctohse from my diet? Sure, Doc. Anything you say. Just say it again.

Not to worry, though. You are my one true Scotsman love. It's funny, Ewan--May I call you Ewan? Or perhaps Smoochums McBeautiful? Because fer reals, I could cover you in about a billion kisses. You are that adorable.--I don't even remember when I first fell in love with you. I think the first movie I ever saw you in was Emma, but my favorite movie of yours so far might be Moulin Rouge. It's you! Singing! IN A (faint) SCOTTISH ACCENT! Bonus points for singing parts from The Sound of Music, my second favorite movie of all time.

You definitely earned some mad geek love as Obi-Wan. I'm sure your Uncle Denis a.k.a. Wedge is proud you sold out to The Man for Episodes 1-3. It was stunning, really, how you channeled Sir Alec Guinness. You've lost your indie cred, though, so go ahead and cry yourself to sleep on your giant pile of Star Wars money.

I know Trainspotting was your breakout role, but I've never seen it. I've heard that you swing your twig and berries in that one, as you are wont to do. Not that there's anything wrong with that. You like showcasing your bonny star onscreen? Hey, that's your journey. But now that I'm so smitten with you, my husband has told me I better not see that particular movie. Sure, it has you flashing your bits, but apparently it also has you diving into a filthy toilet for a heroin needle. Ick.

So I am indeed happily married, just like you. Dusty is a charming geek whom I've covered in about a trillion kisses. He is that adorable. And he has agreed that if you should come 'round one day to sweep me off my feet, I am free to run away with you. Likewise, if Jennifer Connelly ever came for him, the marriage contract would be suspended until such time as she allows him to return to our hippie love commune.

Fair deal, right? No? Well, it's only because you don't know me and I don't know you. And also because making a deal with your spouse about which movie stars you're each allowed to adulterize with is maybe a wee bit wrong. Details, details...

Anyway, I enjoyed Long Way 'Round. I love you. And if I ever chance upon you sleeping beside the street after a bender, and you're wearing only the Clan McGregor tartan, I would totally give you a blue ribbon. Totally.


*Apparently, if you are a Scotsman, the "t" in "dirty" is sometimes silent. How delicious.
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