Thursday, October 25, 2007


"She's a very kinky girl / The kind you don't take home to Mother / She will never let your spirits down / Once you get her off the street"

Dear Hawkgirl,

We need to talk about your new relationship. First of all, congrats on finally sealing the deal with Green Lantern. I have a profound weakness for green eyes, too, and GL brings the yummy. I'm a little concerned about your compatibility, though. GL's idea of a date was frolicking in the snow and making you a snowman. Your idea of a date was getting him involved in a giant bar brawl. Oh, you don't remember? You might have been drunk at the time, so let me refresh your memory.

You were generally unimpressed with the adorable snowman that GL built for you on the winter planet you helped save. [He made the eyes, nose, buttons, hat, and arms with his power ring! Do you have ice in your veins, woman?!] So you suggest that the two of you celebrate your most recent heroics by doing something you like. Sounds reasonable so far. You take him to a Blade Runner planet and make a dramatic entrance into a dive joint. Everyone seems to know you at this place and you high-five some people on your way up to the bar. Still okay.

You order two mugs of a nasty grayish drink with worms floating in it. You pound your drink before GL even has a chance to taste his. Yellow flag right there. You let out a giant burp, which I can respect, and sortof impress/disgust GL. And then. AND THEN. You declare that you really need to ratchet up the fun, so you smash a hugemongous alien's hand with your entirely-too-powerful electric mace and HAND THE MACE TO YOUR UNSUSPECTING DATE. The alien, naturally, bum-rushes GL and the aforementioned giant bar brawl ensues.

I don't know what that makes you back on Thanagar, but here on Earth, that makes you a BITCH.

Later on, when you two are admitting your feelings to each other, you say, "We can't worry about each other getting hurt when we're fighting the bad guys." Oh, but it's okay to deliberately put GL--the man you are supposedly in love with--in danger so you can get your jollies? 'The hell? On the up-side, when GL takes your mask off and leans in to kiss you... HAWT. [Incidentally, you are supercute, grrl! You're still an insane bitch, but at least you're a cute insane bitch.]

Don't get me wrong. My husband and I seem like complete opposites, too, and we make it work. So I have some hope for you crazy kids, mostly because I have faith in GL's ability to soften your bitchy little bird heart. You may, however, need to look into couples counseling. Or at least a fetish club that caters to superheroes. Just try not to kill your new boyfriend and end up on a CSI crossover episode.

Good luck,

P.S. When you're in bed with GL, you may not want to make that "HUAAH!" noise you make EVERY SINGLE TIME you hit something with your mace. It's really fucking annoying. Just some friendly advice.

"Superfreak" by Rick James, bitch.
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