Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I Need A Hero

"Up where the mountains meet the heavens above / Out where the lightning splits the sea / I would swear that there's someone somewhere / Watching me"

WARNING: Spoilers ahead forthe TV show Heroes.

Dear Hayden Panettiere,

Hi! I just want to say I enjoy your work on Heroes. I think you're an incredible actress and you are just about 97 kinds of adorable. Based on all the photos and videos floating around the Interwebs, your cutieboy co-star Milo Ventimiglia seems to agree with me.

Okay, so three things:

1) Way to go with the Milo! Yes, he is 12 years older than you are, but you're 18 and legal, so have fun and ignore all the haters. I admit I watched that video of you and him dancing to Duran Duran at the Emmys after-party--only because it accidentally flashed up on my screen after I clicked on the link by accident, I swear!--and you two looked sweet and cuddly together. Awws!

2) Just remember to keep your underpants on in public. You seem like a nice girl who has so far avoided the intense tabloid scrutiny your fellow starlets court. I'd hate to see you get caught in some nudie photo scandal like that Vanessa Hudgens. Tsk tsk.

3) If you're going to continue going out and about with Milo, please wear something other than this:

What in all of Fugly Hell is that? It looks like a gray sack worn over a black sports bra. No wonder you're trying to hide your face, and with white plastic sunglasses, no less. [Oh, honey. NO.] I would hide, too, if it was my job to be photographed in public looking cute and I wore my beach cover-up to lunch with my hot older man. Maybe if you didn't match it with a gigantic purple tote big enough to carry your beach items, it might be better. Wait... no, no. It would still be a shapeless gray sack.

Listen, I am proud of you for milking this "Are they or aren't they?" thang. It's like something right out of Old Hollywood, when there was REAL glamour and superstar scandals. Innocuous little intrigues like this got ratings then and it gets ratings now. I love that you and Milo are denying everything, even as you are clearly cuddling within sight of cameras. I love that he plays your uncle on Heroes. I love that your new boyfriend on Heroes is also a dark-haired flying cutieboy, like your father and your uncle. West could be related to you, girl! Eew! Now THAT is compelling television.

It's just... Please, for the love of Aphrodite, don't go out in public looking like this again. I loves me a sundress as much as the next girly girl, and I appreciate that you were trying to go all matchy with Milo in his all-black outfit [sooo broody and delicious], and you are probably wearing cute, sturdy panties beneath that tent [good girl], but you are WAY MORE ADORABLE than this! You seriously look like you were running out to the Whole Foods real quick for some organic raspberry yogurt. You don't look like you're going out to lunch amongst a camera-heavy public with your new man. Your HOT NEW OLDER MAN. Cute it up, girl. Enjoy your youth while you still can.

I'm glad we had this talk. Love you on the show. Keep on keepin' on, Claire Bennet.


"I Need a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler
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