Sunday, January 6, 2008

Hide U

"If you were beside me and my love would take you / I’ll keep you in safety, forever protect you / I’ll hide you away from the world you rejected / I'll hide you"

Some of you have sent me numerous invitations. Some of you have personally talked to--nay, HARASSED me about joining. I can no longer even find solace in my home, since my husband insists that I join. In light of all this concern over my social networking, I felt I should respond thoughtfully, instead of just spewing profanity. So:

NINE REASONS WHY I WILL NOT JOIN FACEBOOK

  • What if the person I want to "reject" or "unfriend" or whatever it is you do on Facebook to say, "No, I would not like to share this patch of the Interwebs with you" is a co-worker I will see every day? What if it's my boss? Awkward!

  • Apparently, the people on your Facebook network can be deemed your Soul Mates or Best Friends based on your common interests, even if you barely know them. That's an invitation to ick. One of my co-workers found out he was "Soul Mates" with one of our big bosses because they both like the same movies. Can you imagine the next drunken holiday party? "Heyyy, we're Facebook Souuulll Maaaates! Yeah, dude. Mighty Ducks 3 rules! W00t!" *shudder*

  • It's one more username and password to remember.

  • Even if I join Facebook, I will still get invitations to Friendster and Multiply and Look-Who-Hates-Onions-Too. If you have my email address already, how hard is it to just drop me a short note to let me know how you are doing? Don't force me to subscribe to another goram social network site just to look at photos of your kids. They're not even that cute.

  • I know people with Facebook accounts who don't answer my emails for weeks but will "poke" fellow Facebookers every hour. I don't want to become one of these people. I want to avoid emails in the honest, tried-and-true, delete-button-oops way.

  • If I am one of 100 people in a room and 99 of you are on Facebook or eating broccoli rabe or taking Spanish as a second language, I will almost always choose to do something other than whatever it is the rest of you are doing. And yes, I have always wanted Burgermeister Meisterburger to say that I am obviously a non-conformist und a rebel!

  • My buddy Jim told me that within a few hours of joining Facebook, he was "poked" by several people from his past, including long-lost cousins and a couple of people he never thought he would hear from again. I changed my name when I got married for more than one reason. If I want you to know where I am and what's going on with me, you'll know. Oh, yes. You'll know.

  • I don't know that I care which Star Trek captain you are based on an arbitrary quiz. Well, okay, I do care, but I would really prefer that we hash that out over a coffee. Don't people go for a coffee anymore? Is Facebook destined to be the most prevalent type of social interaction we have? That makes me really sad.

  • The time I spend dicking around on Facebook is time not spent posting quality musings on this blog. Do you really want more posts about how the Penny Arcade dude juices his cat's bunghole?

See? I'm not just being obstinate; I have my reasons. If you can make compelling counterpoints to at least seven of these reasons, then I will reconsider my stance about refusing to join Facebook. Until then, you'll have to poke me the old-fashioned way. Baby.





"Hide U" by Kosheen
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