Tuesday, January 8, 2008

You Live, You Learn

"It feels so good (swimming in your stomach) / Wait until the dust settles / ...You scream, you learn"

Meltdown OR Much Ado About Nothing
A Play in One Act


RATIONAL WIFE ~ Cookie Everman
HORMONAL WIFE ~ Cookie Everman

Scene 1

Kitchen of the Everman home. 10:28 PM on an early January Monday. Enter RATIONAL WIFE and HORMONAL WIFE.

RW: I'm hungry. I should have a snack before I go to bed.

HW: I want Oreos.

RW: Let's see if there are any Oreos in the kitchen pantry. Hmm.... I could've sworn we had a package up here.

HW: I want Oreos.

RW: I know. I want Oreos, too. I've already poured a glass of milk and everything. Let me check in the basement pantry. [Goes downstairs and checks the basement pantry.] Hmm.... None here, either. How can there be no Oreos in this house?

HW: I want Oreos! I'm going to check the husband's office. He may have a stash.

RW: Dude, calm down. I seriously doubt--


Scene 2

Basement office of PATIENT HUSBAND. 10:33 PM. Enter HW.

PH: Hi, Booful. Everything okay?

HW: I want Oreos!

PH: I don't have any Oreos in here. Did you check the pantry?

HW: [riffling through insurance papers] III waaant Oreooos!

PH: How can I help? Can you tell me how I can help?

HW: Mrwngh! [stomps feet] Exit HW.

Scene 3

Kitchen of the Everman home. 10:38 PM. Enter RW and HW.


RW: Well, we don't have any. We're all in pajamas and it's almost bedtime. I'm going to drink my milk, have a Le Petit Ecolier, and go to bed.

HW: NOOOO! I WANT OREOS! Make the husband go get Oreos. NOW!

RW: Woman, are you serious? You want me to be the stereotypical pregnant lady who demands that her partner leave his WoW game to go out this instant and get a trifle that she craves? Girl, please. You're supposed to be cutting back on sugary junk anyway. You're lucky I'm letting you have this one treat. Now eat this French biscuit and get a fucking grip.

HW: But my back and shoulders and neck hurt and my boobs are swollen and I haven't been sleeping well and I WANT OREOS! WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

RW: Holy volcano goddess. Are you for fucking reals?!


RW: Okay, time to call up the husband on the intercom.

H/RW: Hunny, could you come up here, please? [whimper]

PH: I'll be right there.

Scene 4

Kitchen of the Everman home. 10:40 PM. Enter PH to find an inconsolable HW.

PH: Oh, hunny. Come here. [holds HW to him while she cries]

HW: [sob] I just really wanted Oreos and I can't get any sleep and I'm tired and my boobs hurt and I just really wanted Oreos.

PH: Let me check the basement pantry. [runs downstairs]


PH: [runs back upstairs ] Well, do you want me t--

HW: NO! I wanted them 10 minutes ago. Now I hate Oreos! I want a back rub. [sob]

RW: Oh, girl. You need some warm milk and some sleep. Husband, I bet that big pregnancy book in the bedroom has some back massage tips in it.

PH: Okay. Do you want me to cancel my game?

HW: I [sniff] DON'T [hiccup] KNOW! [sob]

PH: I'll cancel my game. Exit PH.

Scene 5

Living room of the Everman home. 10:50 PM. PH and H/RW are sitting on the couch. PH made toast with apple butter for H/RW. RW is eating it with a mug of warm milk and honey. PH is consulting the big pregnancy book for tips on relaxation and back massage.

PH: I'll make sure to get Oreos tomorrow, okay?

RW: Okay. Could you give me a back and belly rub before bed?

PH: Absolutely. [kisses RW on the forehead]

HW: Hrmph! I hate Oreos. Exeunt PH and H/RW.

"You Live, You Learn" by Alanis Morrissette

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