"I try so hard not to get upset / Because I know all the trouble I'll get... / And I try so hard to keep it inside / So no one can hear"
I'm becoming more and more forgetful and absent-minded these days. I can't tell you how many times in the last week I've gone to the kitchen to get a glass of juice, opened the refrigerator door, and promptly forgot why I was there. My girlfriends warned me that this would happen, that pregnancy would make me a little stupid. They didn't warn me, however, that it would make everyone around me a little stupid, too.
People seem to feel they can say just about anything to a pregnant lady, like they are socially obligated to comment on my pregnancy. Some people act like this pregnancy involves them as much as me and Dusty, who are actually responsible for the unborn baby. Usually, I try not to get publicly upset about what people say to me, but there are things I really wish I could say back.
When people say: My god, you're only five months pregnant now? You'll be as big as a house!
I wish I could reply: Maybe, but in four months, I'll be able to unload this house and have an awesome baby. You're fugly and that's forever.
WPS: I have two pregnant friends who are tiny, just like you. They'll never survive childbirth.
IWICR: I have a co-worker who can't keep his goddamn mouth shut, and he looks exactly like you. He'll never survive my foot up his ass.
WPS: How is our baby today?
IWICR: MY baby is fine, thanks. How is yours?
WPS: Wow, you're packing it away. Look at that belly! Really eating for two, eh?
IWICR: So I guess you're not happy with one asshole. Really want two, eh? Let me help.
WPS: You're having a natural water birth with no drugs? That is going to be so hard and so risky. I've already scheduled my C-section. Quick and easy.
IWICR: You're letting someone cut your gut wide open while you're unconscious? That is going to be so hard and so risky. I can't wait to push my baby out of my vagina, the way women have been doing for centuries. Quick and easy.
WPS: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
IWICR: If you can't say something sensible or supportive to a pregnant woman, shut the fuck up.