"This is the book I never read / These are the words I never said"
There are three reasons why I may not finish Wizard's First Rule by Terry Goodkind in time for our book club meeting in May:
1) We only have one copy borrowed from Drew and Dusty has to start reading it soon. The book is about 820 pages long and it would be difficult for two people to read it at the same time.
2) I really like my retinas. They are beautiful and useful. I don't want to burn them any more than is necessary, and 133 pages of Goodkind burned them just enough.
3) I've already read the funniest passage in the book, so I should quit while I'm ahead. Nothing could possibly top this:
[The wise old wizard Zedd has just given Richard the Sword of Truth]
[Richard says,] "Zedd, I've never seen this before. Where have you kept it?"
Zedd smiled proudly. "In the cabinet, in the house."
Richard eyed him skeptically. "There's nothing in the cabinet but dishes and pans and your powders."
"Not that cabinet," he said, lowering his voice as if to thwart anyone who might be listening, "in my wizard's cabinet!"
"In my wizard's cabinet", y'all. It's right next to his mage's pantry, where he keeps the necromancer mixing bowl* he uses to make night druid cookies. While wearing his mystic theurge apron. I could beat this metaphor to death, because that's what Goodkind would do. Why just labor over a passage or a concept when you can belabor it?
Thank you! You've been a fantastic crowd. I'll be here all week! Please tip your waitress.
"Why" by Annie Lennox. *Thanks, Brian Kindregan!