"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine / You make me happy when skies are gray / You'll never know dear, how much I love you / Please don't take my sunshine away"
Dusty is presenting at GDC this week, and Diana and I have been painting the town red! Well, maybe more like mauve. We've shoveled four inches of snow from the driveway together, baked muffins, had dinner with the Weekeses and lunch with Uncle Keith and Tina, and even did a little shopping. I think tonight we'll turn in early, cuddle up in our pajamas together and read the new books we bought this afternoon. PAR-TAY!
The last few days of solo parenting have made me even more mindful about how quickly time is passing. I go back to work on June 1, so about two weeks ago I paid the registration fee to reserve Diana's daycare spot. I was going to leave her in the carseat, since we were just going to fill out and drop off the registration, but she indicated that she wanted out. I put her on the floor and she took off in the direction of the little kids. She looked back at me briefly, but kept crawling toward her new playmates. It will be good for her to finally be able to socialize with kids her own age. It will be fine. She will be fine. I will be fine.
Oh, who am I kidding? I AM A WRECK. I just know I'm going to WEEP the first time I have to drop her off by herself. I'll feel like a bad mom if she weeps the first time I drop her off by herself. I know that the daycare folks will take good care of her; Dusty and I took the time to visit each daycare we were considering and this was our first choice by a mile. But there are 12 babies in the program. Will they have enough time to just love her?
What really gets me is that motherhood just got to be FUN for me. When I first got this gig, I was overjoyed but overwhelmed. There were many frustrating days in those first few months, when I barely held my shit together, when I started to wonder why I thought I could handle motherhood. To preserve my sanity, I resolved to take it one diaper, one feeding, one nap, one step at a time. I just tried to survive day to day.
Then somewhere along the line, everything clicked into place. Diana and I got into a groove with each other. I observed her patterns and figured out a daily routine that works for both of us. But perhaps more pertinently, the wee beastie has become a little person. She is funny and sweet and opinionated. She understands and interacts. We are play buddies and girlfriends. This afternoon, she and I picked out her very first tiara: a purple foam number that we will decorate with glitter and stickers. Yay!
I know that I am a competent, loving, and proud mama who's raising a healthy, happy, and smart little girl. I know that no matter who takes care of her during the weekdays, nobody will take my place in her heart. I know that she and I will still be play buddies and girlfriends. I'm just really going to miss my sunshine. I think I'll go wake her up from her nap with a big ol' cuddle.
"You Are My Sunshine" by Johnny Cash, et al