Saturday, April 11, 2009

Long Way Down

"Remember me my love, I'm the one you're dreaming of. / Going for a ride, I'll keep you warm inside . . . / Sooner or later, I'll get me off this track. / Gotta do what it is that I do and then I'm coming back."

Dear Ewan,
How are you, Smoochums McBeautiful? I know it has been a good long while since my last note to you and I'm terribly sorry, but I've been busy with motherhood and stuff. I did, however, finally manage to watch Long Way Down a couple of weeks ago and um, I...ugh, there is no easy way to put this. It bored me, okay? I WAS BORED WATCHING EWAN MCGREGOR. Are those the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse I see thundering towards us?!

I'm sorry to tell you this, my darling, but I have always been honest with you, haven't I? And I'm as stunned by this as you are. You know how much I loved Long Way 'Round and this was following the same formula: You! Talking! IN A SCOTTISH ACCENT! Oh, and traveling on motorcycles with your buddy Charley Boorman and having adventures lalala. I watched every minute of LWR enthusiastically, even if it was essentially Folding Laundry TV. But I fast-forwarded through some of the earlier bits of LWD when you were preparing for the trip because most of it seemed like the same kind of drivel from the prep part of LWR. I suppose motorcyle enthusiasts would care about fixing up the bikes and testing out the gear, but I'm part of the group that doesn't give a shit. I mean, you're traveling from Scotland to Africa! That's a whole lot of countries to see and people to meet and yummy food to taste! Sweet Zombie Jesus shut up already about your bike and get on the bloody road!

Once you did get on the road, I had high hopes that things would pick up. You started in John O' Groats, Scotland, and I quite enjoyed that bit. Not only were you talking in a Scottish accent, EVERYBODY was talking in a Scottish accent. Even your Nana! I just wanted to bake everybody a pie, you were all so adorable. You and Charley were adorable on LWR, too. So full of joy for the open road and wide-eyed wonder at the adventure of it all. But I should have known LWD was going to be a totally different animal when you whipped off your helmet to reveal That Hair.

Oh, Ewan. Why? I will concede that this particular photo* of you is blurry and squashy. I will also concede that you needed a haircut that would withstand helmet head. I will even concede that even the most gorgeous person might look a fright after long days of motorcycle riding and no showers. But even at your worst, most tangled-beard-tattered-drawers-bike-funk-smelliest on LWR, you did not look like you had taken a pair of safety scissors to your head. Don't you have a hair stylist like other movie stars? Baby, you are EWAN FUCKIN' MCGREGOR! May I just remind you how achingly beautiful you are?

Look at that! You're so pretty even you can't resist touching your own face! So why would you inflict a Motor Mullet on your person? If you were so concerned about helmet hair, why didn't you just shave your head? It would have looked better. See?

Not to belabor the point, but I think the hair became, for me, a sort of metaphor for what you and Charley had done to yourselves. You planned to ride 15,000 miles from John O' Groats to Cape Town, South Africa, in just 85 days. You yourself said you didn't realize at the time what that schedule would mean. Basically, you and Charley didn't really experience Africa; you just rode through it. You mentioned quite a bit that you didn't really get to see Africa because you had such a tight schedule to keep. Okay, let's be honest. You didn't just mention it, you complained loudly about it, among other things.
Holy Moses, Ewan. You were a whiny bitch throughout the whole show. You admitted as much, but that didn't make it any less annoying. You whined about the weather and how tired you were of riding and how you didn't get to seeeee aaanythiiing! Dude, you're getting paid to make a documentary about your motorcycle travels through Africa with your buddy! Before that, you got paid to make a documentary about your travels through Europe. You cut that mullet into your head without much forethought about how pointedly uncute it would make you. You planned that rigorous schedule through 20 countries without much forethought about how you would make it work. So suck it up, princess.
Wow. I didn't realize I had this much pent-up vitriol against LWD, but there you have it. I had really hoped to vicariously join you and Charley on another fun, exciting road trip. Instead, I got Whiny McAngstypants and his buddy Cheeky Boorman [He sort of lived up to his last name in this one, eh?] going eeeeehhhhhhh and waaaaahhhhhh through two continents.
Anyway, the trip and the DVD is long over now, and don't worry; I still love you. In fact, I will probably go see Angels and Demons when it comes out, even though I hated the book. The movie looks like it could be entertaining mind candy and you looked kinda fierce in the trailer. All I ask is that if you do Long Way Up or Long Way Sideways, please bring back the joy, the adventure, and the pure love for the open road. And please, I beg you, put away the safety scissors. Otherwise, I may have to run away to Aruba with Hugh Jackman instead. Seriously, he was fantastic on the Oscars and have you seen the Wolverine trailer? MAMA LIKE! Ehem. Sorry. Lovvve youuu.
"Long Way Round/Down" by Stereophonics
courtesy of ohnotheydidnt
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