Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Put On A Happy Face

"Wipe off that 'full of doubt' look / Slap on a happy grin! / And spread sunshine all over the place / Just put on a happy face!"

There is an entire industry centered on New Mommyhood, with products ranging from chic diaper bags to crochet kits and now Mommy Makeup, which purports to make you "look divine in half the time". Their newest mini-kit is called Tigerlily Time and includes a paint-by-number face chart [!] because they apparently think new mothers have done irreparable damage to the parts of their brains that know how to apply makeup.'s baby blog site advertises this product as "a great new mom gift": "Going to visit a friend who just had a baby? Bring her this kit for a 6-minute makeover so she looks refreshed and doesn’t hide from the camera when you want to take a photo of her with her new baby!"


"Hey, New Mom Friend! I want to take a photo of you and your cute little bundle of joy, but you look like a DEEP-FRIED HOT MESS. Slap on some makeup, would you? And don't color outside the lines. Here's a handy chart to help you."


Mamas: You are fierce and fabulous! You just pushed a live human being out your ladyparts! You rock the sweats and ponytail! Take care of you and your baby and don't worry about makeup or bitches who want to bring you down. You don't need this bullshit. You suck. Shame on you for encouraging women to be makeover-pushing frienemies, and to new moms, no less! You think you're helping. You're not. Shut up.

"Put On A Happy Face" from Bye Bye Birdie
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