"I don't wanna hang around / in someone else's scene / fashionable people doin' questionable things"
So I went back to work last Monday and it has been going pretty well. Dusty, Diana, and I are adjusting to our new schedule and it's great to be back working on awesome videogames. But more on that later. Right now, I have more pressing issues.
I was browsing the interwebs in search of fashionable cutiepie summer sandals to wear to work and I came across these:
Dear Modcloth.com: Are these actual shoes or did the models vomit onto their feet? Like, seriously, if I'm going to buy sandals that expose my toes, why would I want fucking SPATS attached to them? I appreciate that they are vegan-friendly, but surely all those soybeans could've shed their skins for a more noble cause.
Also, the blue fringe-y ones in the middle cover 60% of the feet! Those aren't sandals, they're unfinished moccasins. Perhaps more alarmingly, the description on those says they are named after Sienna Miller, to whom you refer as "the trailblazer of boho style".
So, two issues. First, you spelled HOBO wrong. I know, I know. "Boho" is short for "bohemian", but if it is describing Sienna Miller, the HO always comes first. Second, I know Sienna was on the cover of Vogue and they called her "Fashion's Feistiest Icon", but that was in 2007. TWO WHOLE YEARS AGO. Maybe you should've picked up an issue of Vogue from the last few months if you wanted to seem current. Stop spending all your money on the ganja and invest in a subscription.
Besides, I think she gave some married editor at Vogue a wicked BJ in the office supply room and blackmailed that person into giving her the title and the cover. The woman is a trainwreck, in both life and dress. She bumped uglies with that greasy manwhore Jude Law, then followed in his homewrecker steps and diddled that other greasy manwhore Balthazar Getty. Plus she regularly goes out in public looking like this:
Look at that! The skirt on her dress/shirt is frayed and those shorts look like she wore them to the gym. Her shoes don't match ANYTHING and did she comb her hair or put on makeup? Even I put on mascara and lip gloss when I know I will be photographed and it's not my job to look cute. I'm just saying it may not have been the best marketing idea to name your ugly-ass shoes after this chicken-fried hot mess. Even if you are trying to be edgy and boho or whatever the kids are saying these days.
Dear North America: Please don't buy sandals like these. Let's kill the supply-demand chain right now before someone gets hurt. Thanks.
"Fashionable People" by Joel Plaskett