"Time, time, time / See what's become of me"
My friend Carlo calls February the Hump Month of the year and I am inclined to agree. December was all about racing to our deadlines and gearing up for the holidays. January was consumed by Mass Effect 2 madness and the giddy anticipation over finally seeing our game in stores and playing it on our big-screen TV. [If you haven't yet bought/played ME2, go do it now. Seriously, OUR GAME WILL BLOW YOUR MIND.]
I'm due to pop in just about six weeks, and this month is my last one at work before I go on maternity leave for a year, but we are sortof between projects at the moment, so there's not a whole lot for me to do.
You would think this blessing of quiet downtime might prompt me to update this blog more often, but third-trimester inertia has sunk its claws deeply into my being and I am disinclined to shake it off. Every morning, I think, "I'm going to write today! No, for serious this time!" And then every evening, after Diana is to bed, I sit my phat ass down at my computer and find that I have just enough brainpower left to dick around on Facebook. See how evil that damn thing is?! [Hi, everyone who got here through my FB link!]
Anyway, here are four conversations from this week that I think pretty much sum up what my life is like these days. First, a discussion that may be the closest thing geeks have to "Dear Penthouse: This sort of thing never happens to me...":
Corey: Hey, so I'm stuck on DA:O. How can I get Morrigan to join my party?
Dave: Did you have sex with her?
Corey: No. You can have sex with her? [nods all around] I mean, yeah, we made out a little at camp, but it was just kissing and stuff.
Me: You didn't get past second base?
Corey: No. Did you guys?
Dave and Keith: [almost in sync] Oh yeah.
Dusty: I got the underwear dance and everything. Unh! [mimes dancing... and humping... That's my man: all class, all the time!]
Corey: You saw underwear? I didn't see underwear.
Dave: Well, did you give her gifts?
Corey: I gave her a couple of things...
[A small discussion ensues over what sorts of gifts Morrigan should be given.]
Dave: She likes baubles, man. More gifts = MORE SEX.
Me: Are we seriously having this conversation in the middle of the parking garage? Do you guys realize you are talking about exchanging gifts for sex with A CHARACTER IN A VIDEOGAME?
Dave: Yes. HELL YES.
Me: Sometimes working at this company...
Dusty: ...is SUPER FUCKIN' AWESOME?! I agree!
Second, a logistics chat with P-Tricky:
Me: My parents are getting here the day before I'm due, but statistically, second babies tend to arrive earlier. Your lovely wife has volunteered your services to watch Diana if I go into labor early.... Wait... she DID tell you this, right?
Him: [I could almost see the word "Loading..." flash across his forehead.] Y-Yes? Yes! She must have...
Me: [suspiciously] Are you cool with this? Can you keep my child diapered and fed? Maybe help her do a commando roll onto the snow if she catches on fire?
Him: Yes, I can keep your child alive for a period of 24 hours or until Someone of Authority takes her from me.
Me: You are made of awesome. So, maybe at some point soonish, you can accompany us to the daycare and we'll introduce you to the caregivers there.
Him: You mean I can't just show up in dirty sweatpants and a stained t-shirt? I can't spend a few minutes lurking over the kids while stroking my beard, then point to Diana and mumble, "I'll take that one"?
Me: NO. Please and thank you.
Third, small talk in the hallway that has got me thinking about how I can make it happen:
Adrien: Do you guys know if you're having a boy or girl?
Me: It's most likely a girl, which is great because we don't have to buy a lot of new clothes.
Adrien: I know, right? All my friends who are parents spend crazy money on kids' clothes! Kids grow so fast. They're like little Hulks, busting out of their clothes all the time.
Me: Yeah, the baby basically gets an entirely new wardrobe every three months.
Adrien: We should just invent some sort of eco-friendly--yet fashionable!--garbage bag with holes for the arms, legs, and head. It would have adjustable drawstrings to size it up or down. And the material is sortof a cotton/nylon blend so you can just hose it down at the end of the day. You wring it out and put it right back on the kid. Done!
Me: I may have to prototype that...
And finally, a sucker punch that occurred in the middle of the night, when I was at my most exhausted, emotional, and unguarded:
Diana: [wailing] Mama! Mama! Maaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Me: [entering her darkened room and kneeling by the crib] I'm right here, baby. What's wrong? Are you okay?
Diana: [heaves her entire body over the crib railing, wraps her arms around my neck, and sobs] Mama! Mama's bed?! Please?!
Me: [gently, but firmly] You have to sleep in your own bed, sweets. You're a big girl now.
Diana: [sobbing] Maaamaaa! Pleeease! Mama's bed! Please! I WOV YOU, MAMA!
My Heart: KA-SPLOOIE!
Me: [hoping I only said this inside my head] Oh for fuck's sake, kid.
I carry her to our bed and lie down next to her. She wraps her chubby little arms around my neck and whispers, "Mama, please sing?" She falls asleep like that, with her cheek pressed against mine, listening to me sing her a lullaby. Big sister knows change is a-comin'. I guess I'll allow her to be the baby for just a little while longer. And I'm supposed to be the "bad cop" to Dusty's "good cop". There goes all my street cred.
"Hazy Shade of Winter" as covered by the Bangles. Yes, the Bangles. I know Simon and Garfunkel wrote it, so shut up.